So I don't have an iPhone

I camped out overnight. I had prepared beforehand, gotten myself set up as able to make changes to my wife's AT&T account, so I could just add myself onto her family plan. This possibility hadn't occured to anyone at Apple. They wouldn't let me do it. The only options they gave me were to set up a new, seperate account, which then may or may not be able to be merged with J's plan, or to go get in line at an AT&T store where someone might be able to help. I waited in line all night to get told to go get in line. I drove home.